What emotion regulation is and why it matters

What emotion regulation is and why it matters

Emotion regulation is how someone manages their feelings so they can act in a way that fits the situation and their goals. It includes noticing emotions, understanding them, and then choosing what to do with them – not just “shutting them down”.

What is emotion regulation?

Emotion regulation means changing:

• Which emotions you feel

• How strong they are

• How long they last

• How you show them on the outside

This can be done in many ways, such as:

• Positive thinking or reframing – trying to see the situation in a more helpful way

• Problem-solving – asking “What can I do to fix or improve this?”

• Taking a break (“time-out”) – stepping away to calm down

• Talking to someone – getting support from friends, parents, or teachers

• Acceptance – noticing “I feel really angry/sad right now” without judging yourself

Some ways of coping are less helpful if used a lot, like:

• Rumination – replaying problems over and over in your head

• Avoidance – pretending the problem isn’t there

• Suppression – always hiding your feelings and never talking about them

Good emotion regulation is not about never feeling bad. It is about responding to feelings in a way that helps, not hurts.

Why does emotion regulation matter for young people?

Research shows that emotion regulation is very important for mental health and everyday life in children and teens:

• Young people who use more helpful strategies (like reappraisal/positive thinking, problem-solving, and acceptance) usually have fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety.

• Young people who often use unhelpful strategies (like avoidance, suppression, and rumination) tend to have more depression and anxiety.

• Better emotion regulation is linked to:

  • Fewer behaviour problems (like aggression or rule-breaking)

  • Better friendships and social skills

  • Better school performance and focus.

Emotion regulation also protects young people under stress. It can reduce the negative impact of things like family problems, bullying, or stressful life events. In the online world, good emotion regulation can help teens handle social media pressure, cyberbullying, and social comparison more safely.

Because emotion regulation is a skill that can be taught and improved, many school and therapy programs now focus on training these skills to support wellbeing and prevent mental health problems in adolescents.

How Family and Friends Shape the Way Kids Handle Their Feelings

Children and teenagers often feel angry, sad, worried, or left out. The way they learn to handle those feelings is strongly shaped by the people around them.

Families and friends are like a “training ground” where children and teens practise emotion regulation – the skills used to notice, manage, and express emotions in a healthy way.

How families teach kids about emotions (often without realising)

Children start learning about feelings long before anyone explains them with words. Three big things at home shape kids’ emotion skills:

1. What kids see parents do

   • Children watch how adults react when they are stressed or upset.

   • If adults try to calm down, talk about the problem, or ask for help, kids learn those patterns.

   • If adults shout, ignore problems, or always bottle things up, children may copy that instead.

2. How adults respond when kids have big feelings
   Researchers call this “emotion socialisation” – basically, how parents react to a child’s emotions.

   • Supportive responses:
     Listening, comforting, helping children name feelings (“You seem really disappointed”), and solving problems together.
     These responses are linked to better coping, fewer outbursts, and fewer mental health problems in children and teens.

   • Unsupportive responses:
     Making fun of feelings, yelling, saying “Stop being so dramatic,” ignoring emotions, or only paying attention when behaviour gets extreme.
     These responses are linked to more anxiety, low mood, and trouble calming down.

   • Some strategies (like distraction) can help when they occur in a warm, caring relationship, but become harmful when mixed with neglect or constant criticism.

3. The overall “emotional climate” at home

   • Warm and supportive climates – family members talk, listen, and show care. Early adolescents in these homes tend to show stronger emotion skills, and even differences in brain areas involved in emotion control.

   • Cold or conflict-heavy climates – lots of shouting, criticism, or silence. These climates are linked to more emotion regulation problems and higher risk of anxiety and depression.

Why friends matter more as kids move into adolescence

In early childhood, family is the main emotional world. During adolescence, there is a shift: friends and peers start to have a bigger impact while family remains important.

1. Daily events with friends shape habits

In one diary study of 8–15-year-olds, positive moments with friends (feeling included or supported) were linked to more helpful emotion strategies, while negative moments (fights, rejection) were linked to more unhelpful strategies such as shutting down or blowing up.

For younger children, emotions were more tied to family events. For older youth, friend events were more strongly connected to how they managed feelings each day.

2. Emotion skills can “spread” between friends

In close friendships, one friend’s emotion style can rub off on the other:

• Teens with friends who handle feelings constructively (staying calm, talking things through) tend to improve their own regulation over time.

• Teens whose friends explode, avoid feelings, or remain stuck are more likely to pick up those patterns.

This “contagion” effect has been shown over periods of years, not just in single moments.

3. Supportive vs. harmful peer experiences

• Supportive friends – those who listen, respect feelings, and try to help – are linked with better emotion regulation, less daily negative mood, and more prosocial behaviour.

• Unsupportive peer responses – teasing, eye-rolling, telling someone to “get over it” – are linked with greater emotional problems over time, especially for teens who already struggle with emotion skills.

• Bullying and repeated rejection are strongly connected to worse emotion regulation and higher risk of mental health issues during adolescence.

Family and friends: different roles, both important

Research suggests a shift, not a swap:

• In early adolescence, parents’ warmth and support are especially powerful for building emotion skills and protecting against emotional problems.

• By mid-adolescence, friends’ reactions to emotions are strongly linked to teens’ mood, coping style, and risk for anxiety and depression.

The healthiest pattern is when both contexts support growth: a home where feelings are taken seriously, and friendships where emotions can be shared without shame.

How family and friends shape kids’ emotion skills

Figure 1: Family and peer factors that shape youth emotion skills.

What this means for kids and teens

• Emotion regulation is a learned skill, heavily shaped by family and peer experiences.

• Even when patterns at home or with friends are not ideal, skills can change over time.

• Building even one caring, emotionally supportive relationship – with a parent, caregiver, teacher, or friend – can help children and teenagers develop stronger emotion regulation and cope better with stress.

What to do if you are concerned about your child's emotional regulation

Some parents may have concerns about how their child's emotional regulation skills are developing. If you have concerns, use the form on the Contact Us page to see what support Affirmative Minds Psychology can provide you and your child.

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These papers were sourced and synthesized using Consensus, an AI-powered search engine for research. Try it at https://consensus.app